well well well... it's me again!!! hehe :) obviously. so anyways... wat's been happening.. lots and lots. i dunno where to start .... well today this morning my grandpa was full yelling at me... faaark that brought back alot of unwanted memories. it almost made me cry... it takes alot to do that too... i've been so sensitive lately. it's been alot easier to bring me to that state. damn it! fuck i hate this. i feel as if i'm slipping back into my depression again. i've been there before and i hated it. jhust hated it. it consumed my whole life and it hurt the people around me. and now i'm scared to go back to that. that is one of my worst fears. but another problem with going back into that is that i no longer have that support anymore. like the first time around my grandpa and my auntie actually cared. but this time they don't. they tried to help me even if it didn't work. drugs, herbal alternatives, therapy. hey wat happened to those....? got lost as they thought i got better. and i was for a bit. but now.... i try to tell them how much i'm hurting. how them yelling at me is making me think about those selfish things i was thinking before. leaving everyone. but they just don't want to listen. i know i've made mistakes, made so many. and as they say "there's only so many times you can bite the hand that feeds you". i have made some pretty stupid choices but none so bad. i need to make mistakes. they don't understand. i need to experience my own life. live a little. they don't understand. i'm constantly compared to my brothers and sisters. just because they were failures in their eyes. to me i find them successsful... living a life that is their own. they made bad choices but they are getting their lives back on track. how am i supposed to not ever do anything? i need to experience these choices. and my past has made me very aware of what happens to those who stick with those bad choices. i just need to ... but anyways the main problem lately has been me feeling familar memories. and freaky enough to as my stars predicting this. now i'm not gulliable and believe everything the stars tell me... it's just i have gypsy heritage. i feel that in my blood sometimes. and i can tell when it's bullshit or it means something. sometimes this freaks me out especially with esp dreams. but its also kinda cool. :) freaky yet cool. :)
lol anyways this morning brought up alot of fucked up feelings. i'm sure those who have ever experienced a divorce will understand. just this was my whole childhood i'm talking about. like ALL the time.. well when i wasn't left alone to die outside that is.
so anyways the rest of my day was okay.... just getting through school and stuff. no reason but i bought davina a donut today. weirdest thing i know. that hasn't stopped him from being a complete fucktard towards me. grrr. wat an idiot. wellz yes things in the homefront have calmed down abit.. no doubt there will be more yelling 2nite. wellz that's it from me today... feel free to give me a ring jo feeling like a chat. and a happy chat not a depressy chat. :) it's all good. :D so yes i'll write 2moro
mwahz love Jo
xoxoxoxoxoxo
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